My Truth, Graveyard Spirals, and When Care Must Escalate

Dr. Michael Brashears

You- you can be flying through- through clouds so dense that everything, every physical sensation in your body, is telling you that you are level. You're- you're flying straight, your- your inner ear is completely convinced of it. But if you look at the attitude indicator, the- the instrument is showing you that you're actually in a steep, descending turn. In aviation, they call that spatial disorientation, and if you trust your- your gut over those dials, you end up in what is literally called a graveyard spiral.

Steve Miskelley

A graveyard spiral. That's, uh, that is a heavy image, Michael. But it really gets at the core of what we were talking about last time with feelings being real but not self-validating, right? You're- you're feeling it, it feels totally real to you, but the physical sensation is completely lying to you about where the ground is.

Jill Miskelley

It is. It's- it's exactly like that. When we talk about this trend of, you know, quote-unquote, "living my truth," we're essentially telling people to fly the plane based entirely on their inner ear. But, I mean, if you're building a house, or- or say a skyscraper, and every builder on the site has a tape measure that changes its markings based on how they feel that morning... well, the- the whole structure is going to collapse. We have to have an external standard, something- something like the Imago Dei, to anchor who we are, not just how we feel at 9:00 AM on a Tuesday.

Steve Miskelley

Okay, but let's, uh, let's push back on that a little bit. Because if I'm a pastoral counselor, or just a friend, and someone comes to me and they are- they're absolutely drowning in grief or- or anxiety, and I immediately start pointing at the instrument panel, saying, "Hey, look, your dials are wrong, your tape measure is off," doesn't that just feel- I don't know, incredibly cold? Like we're invalidating their pain?

Dr. Michael Brashears

Well, it- it can, Steve. If- if you lead with a lecture on navigation while the pilot is panicking, yeah, they're going to crash. The- the point isn't to walk in and say, "Your feelings are stupid." The feelings are a real-time report of what's happening inside their- their mind and body. But as a counselor, you have to hold both. You have to say, "I hear that you feel like you're falling, and that is terrifying. I'm- I'm in this with you. But I'm also looking at the horizon, and I need you to know we aren't upside down." You don't validate the illusion, but you absolutely validate the fear it causes.

Jill Miskelley

Right. It's about- it's about holding the line. To honor Ian's legacy, when we established the Ian Miskelley ‘Be Better’ Memorial Scholarship, we did it because we realized that young people are being told that their shifting emotions are the ultimate source of reality. And when those emotions get dark, they feel completely lost because there's no fixed point. Giving them an objective standard isn't cold; it's- it's actually the ultimate lifeline.

Steve Miskelley

Which really brings us to how we actually handle this in practice, especially in a church or- or community setting. I've been thinking about this in terms of, like, a storm at sea. If you're on a boat and the waves are crashing, you might get incredibly seasick. You're nauseous, you're terrified, you think the world is ending. That is ordinary distress. A pastor, a counselor, a friend—they can hold your hand, they can give you ginger tea, they can pray with you through the storm. But if there is a- a literal hole in the bottom of the boat, if there's a hull breach... ginger tea isn't going to save you. You need a structural engineer, right? You need someone who can patch the iron.

Dr. Michael Brashears

That- that is the- the exact distinction. Back when I was- when I was running Ottawa County Community Mental Health, we saw this constantly. You'd have people who were- they were experiencing genuine, deep clinical psychosis, or a severe manic phase of bipolar disorder, and they'd- they'd go to their church, and the advice they got was, "Just pray more, or find the sin in your life." That is trying to pray away a hull breach. It's- it's dangerous, and quite frankly, it's- it's a disaster for the individual.

Jill Miskelley

It- it is. It's- it's devastating. Because when you- when you tell someone that their severe, biological mental health crisis is just a spiritual failure, you add this massive layer of guilt on top of an already agonizing situation. They think, "If only I had more faith, I wouldn't feel this way." When we were going through everything with Ian, we- we felt that pressure. And realizing that his struggle was a- a medical issue, a true crisis of the physical brain, that didn't diminish our faith. It actually freed us to seek the specific help he needed.

Steve Miskelley

So, Michael, how does a leader—how does a layperson—tell the difference in the moment? Because it's easy to say "seasickness versus hull breach," but when someone is in front of you crying, how do you know which one you're dealing with?

Dr. Michael Brashears

You look for- you look for structural stability. Are they- are they losing touch with shared reality? Are they unable to- to care for their basic needs? Is there a- a level of despair that- where they are talking about ending their life, or they- they can't function day-to-day? If- if the distress is impairing their basic biological and social functioning, that's not just a rough wave. That is a- a structural compromise. And a- a truly loving pastoral response isn't to try and fix it yourself; it is to walk them directly to the professional who can. Referrals are- they're an act of profound pastoral care, not a cop-out.

Jill Miskelley

Absolutely. It's- it's about knowing where your care ends and professional medical intervention begins, to protect the person you're trying to help.

Steve Miskelley

Well, that's a good place to leave it for today. Talk soon, Michael.

Dr. Michael Brashears

Talk soon, Steve. Take care.